So - I'm sitting here in wrist braces and a baby wrap with a snuggly, wiggly little baby inside. She is waking up off and on and reminds me how quickly I need to get stuff done when she's sleeping - because she could be awake and hungry at any moment. I am trying my hardest to fully appreciate these moments - because in less than 2 weeks I return to the work world again.
I think like any new mom, I have very mixed emotions about this return. I won't be able to sleep in until 8am and wake up to my smiling baby girl. But, at the same time, I'll be back in Adult-land - speaking and thinking like a grown-up, not cooing and wiping spit-up. I am nervous about this return. I'm much heavier than when I got pregnant - so clothing options may have me returning to maternity clothes (ugh). I will be commuting from my home north of Denver to the "Tech Center" which is south of town (ugh). The client and project sound very promising - and it is actual Change work - just like I've always wanted. So...we'll see. I'm cautiously optimistic, excited twinged with sadness...it is somewhat like that feeling I had when I'd return to school after a holiday or summer break - but this time it's somewhat less jubliant.
I really enjoy the questions from people asking "Oh, are you returning to work?" as if this is a choice I have. Yes - I'm going back. Not exactly a choice right now. After a move, maternity leave and all of the joys of homeownership (the most recent joy being termites....eeeeek) - I really have to return to work. I don't know what I'd be doing if I did have more of a choice - yes I'd still go back- but would I be trying to do something part time? Humm...not sure.
I'm incredibly lucky that my little Ada-Ruth will be cared for by people who care about her. I know this makes it easier. Mom will be here a couple days a week. John will be here on Fridays (or Mondays?) and it looks like our doula Abby will care for Ada-Ruth a couple days a week as well. We are blessed to have options.
I have so much I need to do - write thank-yous (it's embarassing at this point how far behind and how many we need to write), start yoga again, finish organizing the home office, finish appealing the insurance company, lose 50 lbs, understand taxes, write my birth story...it's overwhelming. And, not all of it will be finished when I return to work. This is a good lesson in letting go and non-attachment. I wish I could delay a return to work (and stop Ada-Ruth from growing so quickly) until just a couple of those were finished and put to rest. But - well - I can't. I have felt myself get a touch panicky recently - and I'm just having to let it go. Ok- I'm not the best at writing thank-yous. Emily Post would make an example out of me. There are people who write thank-yous as soon as they recieve gifts. Yes- they're superior letter writers - but I have to let go the feeling that they're better than me. They're human, too. Right? I can't let unwritten thank-yous keep me up at night- especially when my baby girl is sleeping!
I don't know. I don't have answers. I just have a lot of rambling observations and questions.
Yeesh.
Yeesh.
